My heart deeply goes out to this TAL family member who I will leave anonymous in this case. So much pain. Such a heavy burden being borne.
An exasperated cry for help
I’m quite exasperated that you continue to bleat on ‘How to believe that everything is conspiring for your benefit‘. My previous email obviously meant nothing to you which sincerely disappoints me. I told you my partner died of cancer! How on earth does that conspire for my benefit?
I need your help with this please, because I’m constantly trying but can’t be grateful for his passing in such a painful, non deserving, disgusting way!
What do you think of that? What would you suggest I do about it? Yes I’ve had counseling & it was 11 years ago.
I await your enlightenment
I am hesitant to speak so directly, but I am sensing there is some openness here, so here goes.
For context, here are some segments from the prior two emails she sent me:
I love your enthusiasm & commitment to living a TAL, I used to feel the way you do until I experienced a truly heartbreaking personal loss. My partner died of cancer.
Thus I don’t believe you have experienced such pain & forgive you for that. Now I cannot & do not believe that everything happens for a reason. I do not believe in a God.
I do believe in being the best person I can be. Being kind & grateful for all that I am & all that I have & if there is a God, then he/she is cruel & there is no rhyme or reason for the dreadful things that happen to people & animals In the name of religion. I appreciate we have freedom of choice but nobody chose to get cancer etcetera.
Though you shared with me the sad loss of your dear mother & the experiences you enjoy even now she has passed, you feel her presence & I do believe that is possible but one expects parents to go first, it’s the natural order of things, as they say!
Imagine your amazing wife being taken from you, suffering the evil cancer? That would not happen for any good reason, leaving you grieving, to say the least & your children, motherless!”
I really appreciate this open and frank description.
There are many others also grappling with this question.
Just last week I got this email from Mayur who deals with RP – a degenerative retinal disease. He faces the fear and prospect of going blind in the next 10 years and not being able to see his children grow up.
“Sometimes I give up on myself and feel depressed and wonder how do I say that this is a truly amazing life and and everything is conspiring for my benefit?
How can a person going blind and not able to see his son grow be a benefit ?? – Could you please give me some thoughts to overcome such occasional feelings Aaron?
How can I possibly believe these hard things are conspiring for my benefit?
This is the fundamental question we all face when confronted with the radical idea that somehow life is happening FOR us, and not TO us.
It can be super hard to see how that’s possibly true sometimes!
This is the exact question and feeling I faced as I watched my life crumbling all around me when as body was being ravaged by an auto-immune disease.
I cannot say I understand exactly how anyone else feels. But I definitely can relate to the feeling in general.
And since many are asking for help I will be as open as I can in my response here.
Let’s play the ‘what if’ game for just a minute
Since you’re open to the possibility that I still have loving interaction with my mother who died (I have felt her presence and love quite a lot actually), I will propose a couple questions for you to consider.
- Can you be 100% certain there is not a very good reason behind why your husband died?
- What if he is still alive and well in spirit and doing much more good in that form than he could here?
- What if your husband is trying to comfort you right now – to whisper in your ear, and guide you to decisions that will bring you to greater happiness, peace, and freedom than you have ever known?
- What if his death saved you from a life of comfort and complacency and actually gave you the gift of this very opportunity to learn and become a more powerful, deeply joyful soul who loves herself and all of creation immensely?
- What if this experience is the best way for you to become your best, most joyous self?
- What if there are others around you right now on on this earth who desperately need your love and are waiting for you to forgive life for taking your husband from you?
Just a few questions to consider. I couldn’t possibly prove any of those things. But what if?
Here’s what I did not tell you about my mother’s passing
She died from a gruesome cancer which filled her stomach with a giant tumor and slowly starved her to death.
Yes, that was an intensely trying time.
Yes, it is always hard to see how everything is conspiring for my benefit in moments like that.
But what I did not tell you is what my father (her husband) did, and how he reacted, and what he chose to believe.
My father grieved intensely. He loved my mom. They had a mostly happy, loving marriage. But he was not on fire nor in love with life.
When my mother died he made a choice…he decided to believe that everything is conspiring for his benefit.
He didn’t use those words, but he believed that everything was happening for a reason, and for his ultimate good, even though he had no idea how.
And his life was transformed for the better as a result.
Because of that chosen attitude and belief…
…my father was able to see the good in the situation. Without that belief he would probably still be stuck 15 years later in the same place you are. I say that with all the love I can muster.
He knows exactly what you have gone through, and he has applied this very belief in his life and seen amazing benefits from it.
His life was transformed for the better within a matter of months after my mother died. He was introduced to a woman, a widow, and they were married a couple months later. Ever since then he has had a more beautiful marriage with her than he ever had before.
He would not have this if he had chosen to see his tragedy as a curse rather than a blessing.
He re-gained a passion for life. He became a totally new man. It completely transformed his life and woke him up from the mediocrity he was trapped living in by his own beliefs and thoughts. And that doesn’t mean he has forgotten my mom, he still deeply loves her.
But do you think she would want to see her husband suffering in pain and torment and loneliness for the rest of his life because she died??
Of course not!
When I was growing up I felt bad for my Dad sometimes. At the age of 14 I wrote in my journal that I wished I could do something to help him be happier.
He was going through the motions, frustrated with his work and burying his head in the newspaper at night.
He is beaming with happiness.
He made the choice to be happy, and to allow that tragedy to wake him up and enable him to stop settling. He woke up to the fact that he was not living how he deserved to be living and recognized that he was the only one who could change that.
My mother’s death brought my father back to life.
But only because he chose to believe that everything is conspiring for his benefit.
What will be the result of your husband’s death?
Are you going to choose to suffer the rest of your life because of it? How much longer do you need to suffer? Are you ready to open your mind and heart to even the slightest possibility that there is something good to be gained of that tragedy?
Are you going to keep choosing to replay your victim story forever and squander the precious moments of life you still have remaining?
Or will you choose to write a new story? THIS IS YOUR LIFE and it’s your choice what you do with it from here. It’s your choice which story you tell yourself.
Will you make the choice to start looking for the good in everything that has happened and everything that will happen?
You are not required to continue suffering.
HERE IS WHAT TO DO:
You need to start small. I know it’s hard. That’s where FAITH comes in.
So in response to the initial question “What would you suggest I do about it?”:
I suggest taking one small step of faith into the darkness.
If you can even say, “OK, what if there is just one super small thing that is beneficial that has come from this?”
Look for the tiniest thing that is good. Whatever it is. It will then start you looking in the right direction.
For example: Do you now have some greater degree of compassion or empathy for others who have lost their beloved spouse?
Is that not a benefit??
Good, now look for another. Get that positive snowball building.
WRITE THESE THINGS DOWN!
Write down at the top of a sheet of paper: Positive aspects of ____________ (in your case, my husband’s death)
Then ask what is one benefit? Write it down. Maybe you only come up with one or two things today. Keep working each day. Keep thinking and looking in that direction and more will come to you.
Hi [First Name],
Here’s another question for you. This is a continuation of my response to why I will continue to promote EICFYB:
What do you want in your life?
When we look for negative in the situation – WE FIND IT!
When we look for the positive, guess what?? WE FIND IT!
Can I prove to you or anyone that Everything Is Conspiring For Your Benefit?
I can’t. It cannot be proven.
But the results of choosing to believe it are so amazing, that I am personally hooked!
The reality is, this is one of those things you simply get to choose, because there is a positive and negative side to EVERYTHING. It’s just a matter of choosng what to focus your attention on. Whatever you choose to think dictates your results in life.
Do you want everything to conspire against you? Of course not!
Do you want to focus on the negative and find that in everything that happens in your life? Do you want the miserable feelings that come along with those negative thoughts?
We have all felt the need for a pity party sometimes, I get it.
But what do you truly want?
Do you want the unstoppable power, the abiding happiness, and the peace that comes with the habit of looking for and finding goodness and beauty in every single thing that shows up in your life?
It’s your choice. All of it. This not a matter of TRUE or FALSE.
It’s not a matter of needing to prove that life happens FOR you and not TO you. Nobody can prove that you, especially if you don’t want to believe it.
This is simply a matter of choosing what you want your life to be.
Do you really know what is best for you?
You are not in complete control of everything that happens. My Dad had no way of stopping his wife from dying of cancer.
Nobody in their right mind thinks “Oh, the best thing for me is that my wife gets cancer and dies in a torturous way”
Nobody thinks “I know what’s best for me! I need to get a deadly disease and suffer immeasurable pain and torment and watch my family suffer intense emotional wounds – and witness my son wanting to kill himself – in order for me to get everything I want”.
Nobody thinks that way!
But do we really know what is best for us!?
Can anyone say truthfully that they know exactly what needs to happen in their life to experience ultimate satisfaction, joy, fulfillment, and growth in this life and whatever life lies beyond this one?
I choose to believe there is a reason for all of this.
And through it all, we are all free to respond however we want to respond.
It’s good to remember that the way we experience our life is dictated by the thoughts we choose to think and the subconscious beliefs we are holding that we don’t always realize we are holding.
For greater happiness and freedom simply uncover the limiting subconscious beliefs, let them go, and keep choosing empowering thoughts.
So why do I continue to ‘bleat on’?
You are free to choose.
I choose to believe that everything is conspiring for my benefit.
Everyone I know who has chosen that, has found it to be an immensely satisfying, joyful, hopeful, and fun way to live.
It’s pretty hard to get someone down when they believe that. They just tend to turn every obstacle into their advantage somehow, because they aren’t fretting and stewing with the question ‘why me?’.
Instead they ask ‘why not me?’
And that is my hope for you. That is my hope for everyone. That is my purpose and the passion behind why I “continue to bleat on” that EICFYB.
Because once anyone gets that belief installed in their life, they fill up with joy.
It happens every time and I could share hundreds and hundreds of experiences of other people it has worked for.
You are not the only one with challenges. I assure you there are people who have suffered similar or greater loss who are immensely happy and also grateful for what happened.
If you’re still in doubt, read ‘Man’s search for meaning’ by Viktor Frankl, or go read “Unbroken” the autobiography of Louie Zamparini. The torture and torment they both had to endure as prisoners in the WWII era makes my story with disease and fear of death look like a cakewalk.
And yet, both of them were able to find deep meaning in their tragedies, and profound happiness in life as a result.
Not to mention the millions of lives that have been blessed and uplifted as a direct result of the tragic things that happened to them.
You are still free to choose NOT to believe it
You can certainly choose not to believe that everything is conspiring for your benefit and I will still fully respect you if you do.
Is it making you happy to not believe it?
I know it is a HARD belief to hold onto when we see so much tragic, gruesome, and downright evil actions happening all over the globe. We have no way of comprehending how everything is working out and why. And I have ZERO judgment one way or the other of anyone who struggles to believe it.
All I feel in my heart toward anyone struggling with it is compassion.
I hope this message is received with the love it is sent from.
I deeply respect and love you. I want you to be happy and have joy. My only purpose in writing this to you is to help you experience more joy and to more fully live the truly amazing life you deserve.
Every time I make the choice to re-write my story by choosing to focus on the good, it changes my whole world for the better.
With much love.
P.S. – Make Today Amazing 😉
P.P.S. – The very first 5 Minute Mental Mastery training was created to give you the habit of believing that EICFYB…in 30 days…5 minutes a day. If you’re still struggling with it, this is the best thing I can recommend you do. Get a special discount on this one month training system here.